Peace After Marriage

1. Nowhere to plug in his X-Box or Playstation in Cave.

2. Can’t redeem gift certificate for Macy’s.

3. Can’t go on a blind date unless the women is blind (Security reasons).

4. Must wipe his ass with a rock.

Would never make it out of Brooklyn

5. Can only walk his dog at night.

6. Must masturbate in a condom and that condom later on must be eaten by an Al Qaeda operative as to not allow any DNA evidence of the terror king to U.S. troops.

7. Crank calls can only last 22.5 seconds before a trace is possible.

8. Dating a Jew is impossible.

9. Annual dental cleaning has been extended from every six months to every six years.

10.  Amazon.com refuses to deliver to Tora Bora region.

JEWLICIOUS

I must confess that I have a few weakness that I have not control over: chocolate, cheese, and Jewish women. These are impulsive feelings that emotionally send me to my ‘happy place.’ There is guilt and health dangers associated with each one of my weakness — chocolate gives me pimples and weight gain, cheese increases my already high cholesterol, and having sex with Jewish women gives me guilt.

The later worries me the most. I don’t know what it is about Jewish women, but I can’t stop lusting after them no matter how hard I try. We Arabs are raised to treat Jews like the sun — don’t look for too long or you’ll be blinded. I find myself walking past my mosque on Friday evening and heading over to the local synagogue just so I can catch a long glimpse of Jewish women getting ready for Shabbat. I stand outside watching, like a jihadist waiting to attack — only I don’t want to attack Jews, I want to make sweet love to them. I had the opportunity to do just that.

"You are not my grandson!"

The first time I had sex with a Jewish woman was surreal. She was an Upper West Side, Riverside Drive, shop at Zabar’s, grand-daughter of Holocaust survivors Jew. As I was having sex with her an image of my dead Palestinian grandparents who lost their land to the Israelis during the Six… Read more »

I recently read that it is much healthier to pee in a sitting position for men rather than the usual standing up position.
Even further that this reduces the risk of prostate cancer.  Since my one big fear is getting cancer, I took this new-found information very seriously.  I began to pee sitting down, which was weird at first.

Safe Pee Zone

For a guy in the morning this is especially difficult given the morning boner.  You have to hold and point your penis down into the toilet in order to not squirt into your eyes.  (FYI urine burns bad).  The other problem of peeing sitting down is that most bathrooms for guys are nasty and dirty.  I really noticed how much we men are dirty pigs when it comes to our urinating habits — just point and shoot and not worry about missing the target.  Meanwhile, we sit-down peeing guys have to sit on that urine stained toilet!

Men Are Pigs

Not me, I have taken a stand and no longer use the men’s room — I now use the women’s bathroom.  I feel now that I pee sitting down I have a right to use the ladies toilet — I technically have a vagina.

It is night and day comparing a women’s bathroom to pig men’s bathroom.  When I go into the women’s bathroom I feel so safe.  There isn’t graffati writing on the wall with such… Read more »

The French government has decided to impose a $185 fine on women who wear a full-face Islamic veil in public.  President Nicolas Sarkozy said his government was forwarding the legislation to parliament because it had a “moral responsibility” to uphold European values in the face of an increasingly visible Muslim population.  I find it hilarious that the French government of all people is taking a stand against the Muslim population.  This is the same group that allowed Hitler and the Nazis to roll into Paris without firing one bullet.  Rumor has it the French army had warm croissants waiting for Nazi soldiers as they crossed the Champs Elysees.  What really has me confused is how will the French authorities carry out this law.  Will they pull over Muslim women wearing veils as they are driving?  I can picture high speed police chases with French police screaming “Madam, drop se veil.”

Let's see that face madam

Ninjas are ready to take out France

And has anybody in the French government thought about the unfair treatment ninjas will suffer as a result of this law getting passed.  Islamic women wearing veils/Burkas and ninjas are exact copies.  France has to really think hard.  Do they want to piss off seven million Muslims and some ninjas?

I awoke to hear that the new Miss USA was crowned and she was a Muslim.  At first I thought it was an April fools joke so I checked my calendar and saw it was June.  Next, I looked outside and made sure hell didn’t freeze over.  No, indeed things looked legit.  Rima Fakih was indeed the new Miss USA and she was a Muslim.  I thought about the ramifications of such a historic precedent — how will this affect my life?  Will it help my dating life?  Will I be able to name drop Rima Fakih at parties and use that as a in?  I am a Muslim.  Being Muslim has never been cool in the ultra hip New York City scene.

What Burka?

I once told a woman at a Soho party that I was Muslim — she asked if I ever rode a camel.  That’s what I have to fucking deal with!!!!  The next day news broke out that the first Muslim Miss USA had some naughty pictures floating around.  Apparently she had engaged in a pole dancing contest at a stripper bar.  After hearing that news I feel to my knees and thanked Allah for creating a woman whom I could marry.

Muslim with stripper pole-dancing experience — that has been the woman I have been searching for!  My parents have been trying to marry me off to farm girls back in Palestine — they can plow a field and have shoulders… Read more »

I recently joined Match.com after watching one of their inspirational, you’ll find love commercials.  I picked my screen name (LoveNYCwithME) and filled out my profile.  I was honest and stated I was an Arab — dropping that on a woman after a few dates is like a small 9/11 surprise attack.  So, I was honest and put it in my profile.  Next, I revealed another roadblock, my astrological sign, which is Gemini.

Screename: LoveNYCwithME

Keeping that secret is like a Nazi war criminal hiding his past misdeeds.  The rest of my profile was normal: I love Coldplay (so does everybody in the world — that at least makes me normal right?) and U2 — Bono helps dying AIDS children in Africa that at least makes me sympathetic and balances the face of Osama Bin Laden which I feel I carry around me like a dam scarlet letter.  I mentioned I cried watching Ryan Gosling in the “Notebook’ which is the same as saying I was gay — but, I thought it would show my sensitive side and offset the Islamic beheading videos many of these women may picture when thinking Middle Eastern man.  I put the profile up and started searching.  I looked and E-mailed women of many different ethnicities: white, Latino, Asian, Pacific Islander, East Indian, Native American, and Middle Eastern.  The result: not one fucking response.  I sent  100 E-mails and nada.  I was rejected by all of them.  I can understand being turned down by white, Latino, and… Read more »

Cause of cancer?

Cancer victim

There are many causes of cancer: exposure to radiation, pollution, the sun.  Now, a new cancer cause: Faruk Ozerten, producer of ‘Peace after Marriage.’  Enis Ucer, location manager on the film has been working overtime trying to secure locations for the film as the scheduled shooting date of June, 28 rapidly approaches.  Enis has been working closely with Faruk and now feels that the stress he’s being exposed to may cause him to get cancer ( By the way,  Enis is a regular smoker — that appreantly doesn’t cause cancer as far as he is concerned).  Enis had a heart-to-heart with Faruk explaning his cancer concerns.  He cited a new study by Yale University School of Medicine and Fudan University in China shows that stress causes signals to be sent to mutant genes that make them turn cancerous. 

The following is a transcript of their conversation.

Enis: Please do not allow these mutant genes to invade my body.

Faruk: You need to lock down all our locations soon.

Enis:  God, I feel the cancer growing inside me.

Faruk:  This is a non-union job we do not have health insurance for cancer treatment.

Forget Toro Bora go to Sephora!

Sephora bomb?

Being an Arab  in New York City has its difficulties.  For example, random security searches.  The other day I was stopped in a subway station by NYPD officers and told to show the contents of my bag at a bag check table.  Now, if I were carrying a book bag I wouldn’t have minded — but I was coming from shopping at Sephora.  My little black Sephora bag couldn’t handle the weight of a grenade, but they still asked for me to show the contents, which included Anthony’s product line: Daily face wash, Scrub (twice a week) and mask ( once a week for ten minutes).  What self respecting jihadist exfoliates before blowing himself up?  I don’t think clear skin is a prerequisite.  Though, by the looks of it, Osama Bin Laden could REALLY use a spa day.   His fucking skin looks terrible, full of all that sand and dirt build-up from being inside caves all day.  I recommend Anthony’s Daily Face wash, Scrub, and mask.

Have you seen this man?

Faruk Ozerten, producer of ‘Peace after Marriage’, had a bright idea a week ago — to ship his car cross country and bring it to New York City where he is currently doing pre-production for the film.  The plan was simple: pay a driver to  drive it from Los Angeles to New York for a few hundred bucks.  Well, on paper the plan looked pretty good.  He hired Mike, a former Marine-core drill sargeant who looks like Hitler’s overweight body double.  Mike suffers from severe carpal tunnel syndrome on his right hand.  Warning sign number one:  Why the fuck would you entrust your car on a seven day cross country drive to a guy with only one functional working hand.  If the car had a flat tire you might as well bury it or turn it into a highway art installation.  Mike by the way is also a talent agent who doesn’t like to carry cash on him.  Apparently he is a socialist which would make sense since he looks like Joseph Stalin also.  So Faruk and Mike have been working for days on how to get him money since the guy doesn’t carry cash on him.  Faruk has been tracking Mike’s drive from state to state with pit stops in many Southern states, including a few that still think Martin Luther King was a troublesome negro. Mike has threatened on multiple occasions to leave Faruk’s car behind in what can only… Read more »